Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater

I feel like I am leading a double life

One hour, I am strong powerful Tracy. I am focused on upgrading my life. I am organizing, I am cleaning, I am sorting, I am decorating, I am bustling and making plans for work expansion, I document, I create schedules, I create floor plans. The next hour I am overwhelmed by the futility of it all as I know I'll soon be dead. I know I have only weeks before I'll hear about the tumor starting deep in my intestines that will cause me to go back to physically devastating chemo followed by the debilitating surgery. Of course this will only give me another year of misery and despair before the next tumor shows up in bones or my brain. I will slowly turn into a worm of a person curled up in a bed with no quality of life. This is how my family will remember me.

I wish I knew what triggers the switch in my brain.  

My husband is scheduled to spend February in Mexico. He leaves on the 29th of January. I will find out the results of my very first PET scan on January 30th. I really want the month of February to be a time where I can do all the things that I don't do because I have another person to consider. I want to read when I want to read, and watch television programs in random rooms of my house. I want to shop and clean on my own schedule. I do not want to be worrying about my husband cutting short his trip and having to come home.

I am so selfish.