Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Running out of hiding places

I miss real blogging. My Xanga is really more of a journal these days, just tracking days and making notes. It's a place to record memories, good and bad. It's a place to keep in contact and to look back on a year from now and say "remember how bad I felt?  Look, I'm on the other side of it now."

One of the things I enjoy is just typing. Just letting whatever pops into my head flow onto the screen. Very little thought, very little planning. It's like a counseling session for myself. I find myself starting to type and then being surprised by where my thoughts end up. I can't do that on my xanga right now because sometimes my thoughts are pretty dark and it makes other people feel the need to comfort me. Honestly, I don't need comforting, I just need a place to let stuff out. I am definitely not as honest on my Xanga as I use to be. I don't want to upset people.

I don't believe in God. I don't believe in "A higher Power". I believe in what is around me. I believe in what is right here, right now. I think that this is all there is. When I die, I am gone. I don't believe in a grand design. I do believe that it's possible that there is more to our world than we can see or that we can understand right now. But, not in a religious, or even spiritual way. For obvious reasons I think about death in a more short term way now. The cancer I have is not the "good" kind. It's the really high percentage of popping up again and again in other places kind. I don't believe I'll die from this cancer now, but I think my chances are pretty high that I will die from it eventually, rather than old age. It's not like I'm hoping for that or anything, I'm just realistic and I'm a reseacher. I've read every piece of information that I can get my hands on. I wonder sometimes if there is something clinically wrong with my brain that I'm not more upset by it. I really don't want to die, it's not even on the top 100 of things I want to do this century. But, everyone dies eventually right? Mostly I want to stick around long enough to;

  • See what my daughter & son turn into. 
  • Read all of the books that I haven't stumbled across yet. 
  • Drink fantastic wines paired with all sorts of Olives and cheeses and crackers. 
  • Listen to music that makes me stop walking and stare at the source of sound the first time I hear it. (has that ever happened to you? What an amazing feeling). 
  • See my sister be happy. Really happy without restraint. 
  • See my nieces be amazing and maybe even get married and have babies. 
  • Oh, I hope I get to hold a baby that I love again. 
  • Spin around outside in my front yard enjoying the smell of fall. 
  • Laugh hysterically at dogs running circles around the wisteria bush.

See? Look what this turned into.  Not what I expected.

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